Two tools to see your relationship clearly and start moving

Twelve questions about what is still alive in your relationship today — intimacy, passion and commitment, following Sternberg's triangular theory (1986). The second tool turns "is it love or habit?" into small readings you can test this week. Neither replaces a professional. Both are free and run right here.

This is not a diagnosis. What follows is information and practical tools. If the distress comes with sustained insomnia, isolation, hopelessness or thoughts of harming yourself, the 24/7 helplines below answer for free — and talking to a trained professional is the shorter route.
Clinical tool 1 of 2

Triangular map: your three components (Sternberg 1986)

Twelve questions about what is alive in your relationship today: intimacy, passion and commitment, following Robert Sternberg's triangular theory (1986). DOI verified on CrossRef.

Intimacy

Closeness, trust and conversation that goes beyond logistics

1. In the last week we had one conversation that was not logistics (house, money, kids, schedules).
2. I share what worries or delights me with them BEFORE telling anyone else.
3. When I share something vulnerable, I expect understanding — not mockery or indifference.
4. We still laugh together at something only the two of us understand.

Passion

Attraction, desire and sought contact — not routine

5. Physical contact between us is still sought, not just routine.
6. I feel desire, not only fondness — there is a difference between wanting them near and wanting to touch.
7. They still look attractive to me when they walk into the room.
8. Kisses and hugs between us carry intention; they are not a greeting.

Commitment

The sustained decision to keep building together

9. I make future plans that explicitly include my partner.
10. When there is conflict, I choose to work on the problem rather than withdraw.
11. I keep choosing this relationship even though less demanding options exist.
12. My partner knows they can count on me for what matters — and I on them.

This is NOT a validated clinical scale nor a verdict on your relationship. It is a first reading based on Sternberg's triangular theory of love (1986) — DOI: 10.1037/0033-295x.93.2.119 — to see, in minutes, which component is alive, which one dropped, and where to put the work. It helps you locate yourself; it does not label you.

Clinical tool 2 of 2

Component journal

Four prompts that turn "is it love or habit?" into a component-by-component reading — intimacy, passion, commitment. Based on Sternberg's triangular theory (1986), DOI verified on CrossRef.

Important: This journal does not label your relationship in an afternoon. Its job is narrower: turning the big question into three small readings — which component is alive, which one dropped, and which was never strong. With that, "is it love or habit?" stops being a riddle and becomes a work map.
STEP 1 · Anchor the moment

Anchor when the question got loud

Before reading components, note when the question "is it love or habit?" got loud again. There is almost always a trigger — a flat conversation, a joyless anniversary, a comparison with another couple.

STEP 2 · Read intimacy

Read how much intimacy remains today

Intimacy is the component that most sustains companionate love (Hatfield, 1982). If it is alive even though passion dropped, the relationship has material to work with; if intimacy also fell, the problem is not habit but distance.

STEP 3 · Read passion without panic

Read passion without confusing it with a verdict

Passion fading is a normal trajectory, not a verdict (Hatfield, 1982). The useful question is not "is it like the beginning?" but "is physical contact between us sought or just routine?"

STEP 4 · Choose the next move

Choose ONE action for the lowest component

The triangular map does not diagnose: it directs the work. If passion is missing, the action is sought contact; if intimacy is missing, real conversation; if commitment is missing, explicit plans. One small action this week beats a big promise.

Note:

If this does not feel like enough, talking with a professional can be the next step.

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