Two tools to know where you stand and what to move first

The first shows you where you stand inside Rusbult's EVLN model (1986). The second turns the big question — should I stay or should I leave — into a decision journal you can keep.untas pequeñas que puedes probar esta semana. Ninguna reemplaza a un profesional. Las dos son gratuitas y se usan aquí mismo.

Esto no es diagnóstico. Lo que sigue es información y herramientas prácticas. Si el malestar viene con insomnio sostenido, aislamiento, desesperanza o pensamientos de hacerte daño, abajo hay líneas de ayuda 24/7 que contestan gratis — y hablar con alguien formado es el camino corto.
Clinical tool 1 of 2

EVLN map: where do you stand?

Twelve questions about what you do when the relationship is not working. They help you see which of the four EVLN responses you are in — voice, exit, loyalty or neglect — following Rusbult, Johnson and Morrow (1986). DOI verified on CrossRef.

Voice (talking)

Whether the central problem has been genuinely talked through — not hinted at

1. I have talked with my partner about THE CENTRAL PROBLEM (not isolated events) in the last three months.
2. After those conversations, something concrete in the dynamic changed — however small.
3. I can name what I would ask of this relationship without it sounding like a list of accumulated complaints.
4. When I try to bring it up, my partner listens without deflecting or shutting the conversation down.

Neglect (withdrawal)

Whether you have emotionally checked out while still inside

5. I make plans around not being home / not facing them this week.
6. I feel relief when the relationship "gives me an out" and I can withdraw without explaining.
7. I stopped proposing things because I assume the answer before asking.
8. My main emotional life happens outside (work, friends, screens) and the relationship feels like an obligation.

Bond signals

What is left today of real emotional exchange between you two

9. In the last week we had at least one conversation that was not logistics.
10. We still laugh together at something only the two of us understand.
11. Physical contact between us is still sought, not just routine.
12. If I shared what hurts me about this relationship, I would expect understanding — not indifference or attack.

This is NOT a validated clinical scale. It is a first reading based on the EVLN model by Rusbult and colleagues (1986) — DOI: 10.1177/001872678603900103 — to see, in minutes, whether your doubt reflects an unworked relationship (neglect), a problem that has never been talked through (no voice), or something else. It helps you locate yourself; it does not diagnose you.

Clinical tool 2 of 2

Decision journal

Four prompts that turn "should I end it?" into small questions you can answer with data this week. Based on the EVLN model by Rusbult, Johnson and Morrow (1986), DOI verified on CrossRef.

Important: This journal does not decide your relationship in an afternoon. Its job is narrower: turning the big, unanswerable question into data concrete enough to look at without panic. Big decisions are made better with ordered information, not with more loops of the same thought.
STEP 1 · Anchor the moment

Anchor when the question got loud

Before deciding, note when the question "should I end it?" got loud again. There is almost always a trigger — a fight, an anniversary, a pending conversation, a comment from someone outside.

STEP 2 · Locate yourself on the EVLN map

Locate what you have done with the problem

The EVLN model distinguishes four responses to dissatisfaction. The question is not whether you love or not: it is whether you have tried voice (talking and working on it) or already settled into loyalty/neglect (waiting or withdrawing).

STEP 3 · Separate signal from noise

Separate sustained signals from spikes

The signals that decide are months-long patterns: damage to your health, conversations that change nothing, clashing values. Noise is spikes: one bad night, a social-media comparison, fear of loneliness. Joel et al. (2017) showed that not even an algorithm can decide from the outside: the patterns are YOURS.

STEP 4 · Record the next piece of data

Record what you still need to know

Every informed decision leaves one pending question. Sometimes the next piece of data is one honest, unrehearsed conversation; sometimes it is a couples-therapy consultation; sometimes it is accepting that you already know.

Key data:

Si sientes que esto no alcanza, hablar con un profesional puede ser el siguiente paso.

Back to the relationship hub Pide ayuda profesional

By rdkterapia · No spam · Unsubscribe anytime