Two tools to use today — before the next outburst

The first helps you locate which phase of the alarm you get stuck in — because each phase asks for a different intervention. The second is for in-the-moment use: you register how high the intensity is right now, mark the signals that triggered it, and a twenty-minute plan adapted to that zone appears. Neither replaces a professional. Both are free and work right here.

This is not a diagnosis. What follows is information and practical tools. If the alarm is interfering with your sleep, your work, or your close relationships — or if thoughts of harming yourself appear — crisis lines are below, 24/7.
Clinical tool 1 of 2

Abandonment alarm map — which phase do you get stuck in

Four phases, two questions per phase. Mark how often each one has shown up in your last two weeks. The result shows where the cycle jams — because each phase asks for a different intervention. Triggering the alarm is not the same as reading a withdrawal where there is none, nor the same as protesting to make the other person confirm something they probably never doubted.

Important: This is NOT a validated clinical scale. It is a map to locate where the alarm jams: trigger without cause, anticipatory reading of withdrawal, protest or preventive distance, and the incomplete calm or guilt that closes the cycle. If two or more phases come out very high, or three or more come out moderate-high, there are crisis lines and a therapy bridge below.

Phase D · Trigger without clear cause

Phase D · Early body reaction (cold drop in chest, jaw clenching, knot in stomach)

Phase L · Anticipatory reading of withdrawal (must be annoyed, about to leave)

Phase L · Anticipation of the conversation where they leave (phrases that have not arrived)

Phase P · Protest: asking for direct confirmation again and again

Phase P · Preventive distance: pulling away before they leave

Phase C · Incomplete calm after reply (body stays on alert for hours)

Phase C · Guilt and broken promise after the outburst

Practical tool 2 of 2

The 20-minute protocol — what to do when the alarm fires

A slider to register how intense the alarm is right now, a bank of signals that triggered it, and a structured twenty-minute plan by zone. Meant to be used in the moment — before checking the phone again, before sending that message, before cooling contact. It does not try to convince you of anything: it proposes minimal viable actions and ends with one clear question to ask the other person if the alert is still up.

Important: If the intensity you registered is high and you marked several active signals, the body has already entered alarm mode. The plan does not try to make you think differently: it proposes moving the body, anchoring yourself to something concrete, and letting twenty minutes pass before acting. Twenty minutes is how long arousal takes to drop enough for the decision to be yours again. If after twenty minutes the alert is still up, the tool includes a concrete script to ask directly, without a fight and without pulling away.
0 · calm 0 10 · about to act

Which signal just triggered the alarm? Mark all that apply

Fact: The research agrees on the same thing: regulation of the abandonment alarm happens in the trigger phase, not at the peak. When the body enters alarm mode, the prefrontal cortex loses its capacity to modulate — the willpower of the moment no longer decides. Fraley and Shaver (2000) describe this as a feature of the preoccupied style: protest behavior tends to activate before there is enough evidence. What you learn is to notice the early signal and move the body before the system accelerates alone.

If you feel this is not enough — especially if the alarm is shaping decisions about work, relationships, or health — talking with a trained professional may be the next step.

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By rdkterapia · No spam

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