Two tools to use today — without forcing yourself to be someone else
The first helps you see which shape of fear of rejection weighs most in you — because each one asks for a different intervention. The second is for now: you pick the situation you avoid, move the controls, and it returns a five-step ladder that starts where you can. Neither replaces a professional. Both are free and used right here.
Map of the four shapes of the radar
Tick the signals you recognise from your last two weeks. It is not a validated clinical scale: it is a map to see which shape of fear of rejection weighs most in you, because each one asks for a different intervention.
Tick everything you recognise from your last two weeks:
If this describes almost all of your day-to-day, and above all if thoughts appear of harming yourself or that nothing is worth it, do not keep going alone with a tool. The crisis lines are below, answered 24/7 and free. Talking to a trained professional matters today, not tomorrow.
Stored locally on this device (nowhere else). Nothing is sent anywhere.
Why it works this way: The evidence agrees on the mechanism: Downey and Feldman (1996) showed that rejection sensitivity works like a radar that detects ambiguous signals and leads to reacting early; Leary and colleagues (1995) added that self-esteem works like an inclusion gauge, which is why rejection moves more than comfort. Naming the shape that predominates is what changes where you start.
Exposure ladder in doses
Pick a situation you avoid today for fear of rejection, move the controls and get a five-step ladder, from the smallest to the largest. The goal is not to reach the top this week: it is to start on the rung you can hold today.
Your exposure ladder
Start on the first rung today or tomorrow. Do not skip: every step you hold supplies the data the radar does not have.
Stored locally on this device (nowhere else). Nothing is sent anywhere.
Why it works this way: The route the evidence supports for fear of rejection is gradual exposure in tolerable doses: reducing the size of the step until the attempt becomes possible, and letting experience supply the data the prediction does not have. Williams and colleagues (2000) showed that a minimal signal is enough for belonging to feel threatened — and, by the same logic, a minimal safe experience is enough to start correcting it.
Tools help you start. If the radar has been deciding for you for years, there is also a door with support:
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