Two tools you can use today

The first shows you where the cycle is. The second walks you through the three roles so you can see the rotation that is already happening. Neither replaces a professional. Both are free and used right here.

This is not a diagnosis. What follows is information and practical tools. If you are in immediate danger from another person, or have thoughts of harming yourself, there are 24/7 helplines below.
Clinical tool 1 of 2

Walker's cycle map

Eight signals from the cycle of tension, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon. Used in clinical work with intimate-partner abuse. Not a diagnosis — a personal reading.

1. There are phases when everything is beautiful, followed by sudden coldness or sudden anger.
2. After a hard episode, the other person apologises, buys a gift, or makes a promise that changes nothing long-term.
3. I find myself walking on eggshells before an argument has even happened, reading their mood from the doorway.
4. When I try to bring up something that hurt me, the conversation gets turned around to what I did wrong.
5. I have started to doubt my own memory of things that happened.
6. I have lost contact with friends, family, or activities I used to enjoy — and the loss happened gradually.
7. I rehearse explanations for things I did not do, just in case.
8. I feel relief when they are away and a knot in my stomach when they come back.

This is NOT a diagnosis. The cycle was first documented by Lenore Walker (1984/2006) in the Battered Woman Syndrome. If you identify with several items — especially if there is fear, control, or physical harm — talking to a professional is urgent. A self-check cannot replace a conversation with someone trained.

Practical tool 2 of 2

The Karpman triangle — three roles, one hour

Karpman (1968) named three roles that rotate inside a toxic dynamic: victim, persecutor, rescuer. The exercise is simple. Pick one argument from the last month. Write it three times — once from each role. The writing is not for anyone else. It is for you to see the rotation that is already happening.

  1. 1

    Pick one specific argument from the last month. One date, one moment.

    The smaller the moment, the more you can see. 'That Tuesday when I came home late' is better than 'the whole month.'

  2. 2

    Write it as the victim. "I felt small. I apologised first. I did not know what I had done."

    Victim is not weakness. It is the position of someone who has been put in reaction mode and is now describing it from inside. No filter. Two paragraphs.

  3. 3

    Write it as the persecutor. Now write what the other person might have been feeling if they were accusing you.

    You are not endorsing the accusation. You are giving it a shape so you can see it. 'I needed to be right. I needed you to admit it. The look on your face made me angrier.'

  4. 4

    Write it as the rescuer. Now write what a friend, a therapist, or a version of you on a good day would have said.

    Rescuer is not the same as fixing. It is the position that sees the whole room. 'You are not crazy. You do not have to apologise for this. We can look at what actually happened.'

  5. 5

    Save the three writings, in your own words, on this device. Read them again in a week.

    Reading them later is where the pattern becomes visible. The Karpman rotation is not a concept — it is a movement you can recognise in real time once you have seen it on paper.

Evidence: The Karpman triangle is not in the DSM, but it is used in clinical and recovery work because it names something real. Nelson (2015) showed the same dynamic in chronic-illness caregiving, where the patient, the family member, and the clinician rotate through the three roles without anyone holding one. DOI: 10.1177/2325160314562242

If you feel this is not enough, talking to a professional can be the next step.

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